Here are 3 empowering ways to respond to a guilt trip.
“Alright guys, this has been a blast, but I’m exhausted. I have to go home and get some sleep.”
“Aw, come on—don’t be such a party pooper!”
“I need a night to myself to decompress from this busy workweek.”
“Seriously? You don’t care about this relationship at all.”
“I’m really excited because this new job is a huge boost for my career.”
“If you take this new job, your mother is going to be so disappointed. Don’t you care about hurting her this way?”
“I’m no longer responding to work emails on the weekends. I’ll get back to you first thing Monday morning.”
“If we lose this client, you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself.”
Guilt trips are the recovering people-pleasers’ Achilles heel.
After months of dedicated effort and practice, we finally work up the courage to set a boundary—but when met with a guilt trip, our certainty and fortitude come crashing down.
People can respectfully express their own needs in response to ours without deploying a guilt trip. After all, it’s natural for individuals’ needs and desires to be in conflict. I want space; you want togetherness. I want to go out; you want to stay in.
What makes a guilt trip unique is the way it’s specifically designed to make the boundary-setter feel badly about their own needs—and prioritize the other person’s instead as a result.
In my experience, guilt trips include two clear parts: (1) a devaluation of the boundary-setter’s needs, and (2) a negative judgment, implication, or statement about the boundary-setter.
Having a proactive strategy for handling guilt trips will help you enforce your boundaries in the face of resistance. Here are three ways to effectively respond to guilt-trips and keep your boundary-setting strength intact:
#1: Name the guilt trip directly.
Sometimes, the simplest way to address a guilt trip is to name it head-on. Doing so can make the other person aware of their behavior and note how it negatively affects you. In my experience, this is one of the clearest, most effective ways to advocate for oneself in the face of a guilt trip.
This approach includes (1) naming the guilt trip and (2) expressing that it is not an acceptable way to interact with you.
Some of my favorite ways to name the guilt trip include:
“I’m more than happy to have a conversation with you about our differing needs, but I’m not okay with guilt trips.”
“I can’t continue talking about this with you if you’re going to use guilt trips to try to change my mind.”
“It’s hurtful when you guilt trip me like that. Please stop.”
“Please respect my boundaries instead of responding to them with guilt trips.”
#2: Silence.
Ironically, sometimes silence is the most powerful way to speak up for ourselves.
Many recovering people-pleasers have a strained relationship with silence because, in the past, silence meant that we were neglecting ourselves, being pushovers, or letting others get their way.
Now, we can recognize silence as the emotional boundary that it is. Silence can say, “I am choosing not to spend my energy engaging with you on this.” Silence can say, “I don’t need your approval to make a choice in favor of my own well-being.”
(Learn how to stop letting others’ emotions dictate your boundaries and decisions in my on-demand workshop Emotional Boundaries: The Art of (Loving) Detachment. Watch it today here.)
I have found this approach especially useful when I’m being guilt-tripped by someone manipulative, narcissistic, or someone who isn’t willing or able to take accountability for their own behavior. (Often, responding verbally to such guilt-trips can lead to a never-ending back-and-forth, a winding argument that leaves you equally unheard and deeply frustrated.)
This approach includes (1) not responding to the guilt trip and (2) going about your behavior as usual.
If, after telling your friends that you need to leave the party they reply “Aw, come on — can’t you just stay a little longer?” you can respond with silence and continue gathering your coat and your purse. You can give your hugs goodbye and proceed as usual.
If you’re on the phone with your father discussing your new job and he replies “If you take this new job, your mother is going to be so disappointed. Don’t you care about hurting her this way?” you can let his comment land on silence—and either continue talking about the job where you left off, change the topic of conversation entirely, or say you have to go.
The difference between this new silence and people-pleasing silence is that in the past, our silence was complicity. We would hear their feedback, stay silent, and adjust our actions to dispel their discomfort at the cost of our own well-being.
Now, we are going to act in our integrity. We are going to honor our boundary and well-being even if they speak against it—and recognize that we don’t need their permission in order to do so.
#3: Empathize and Hold Firm
Especially if we sense that another person’s guilt-trip is not ill-intentioned, we can use this approach to respond kindly but maintain our commitment to our own needs.
This approach includes (1) acknowledging their disappointed feelings and (2) affirming that this boundary or need is important to you.
If you’re getting ready to leave a party and your friends reply “Aw, come on — don’t be such a party pooper!”, you can reply, “I know it’s disappointing, but my bed is calling me!”
If you’re on the phone with your father discussing your new job and he replies “If you take this new job, your mother is going to be so disappointed. Don’t you care about hurting her this way?” you can reply “I know this transition is going to be challenging for you and Mom—and I know that this is the best decision for me and my career.”
