This is the hidden power of internal boundaries.
Did you know that not all boundaries need to be spoken?
Surprisingly, many of our issues with others can be resolved with firmer internal boundaries: firmer promises to ourselves about what we will or will not tolerate from ourselves or others.
For the recovering people-pleaser, it can be empowering to recognize that we don’t always have to wait for another person to change or accommodate us in order to feel okay. We can simply cut out the middle step, honor our own internal boundaries, and meet our needs ourselves.
(Emotional boundaries are one form of internal boundaries. Learn how to set them at my on-demand workshop, Emotional Boundaries: The Art of (Loving) Detachment. Get it here.)
Internal vs. External Boundaries
Internal boundaries are promises we make to ourselves about what we will or won’t tolerate from ourselves or others. External boundaries are boundaries we set with others about what we will/won’t tolerate from them.
Here’s an example: Let’s imagine that you don’t like when people call you after 9pm because it interrupts your bedtime routine. When you get a call at 9:30, you can set an external boundary by picking up the phone and telling the person you don’t take calls after 9:00. You could also set an internal boundary by simply not picking up the phone—and meeting your own need for no phone calls.
Or let’s imagine that you have a new acquaintance who chronically dominates conversations when you meet for coffee. You could set an external boundary by having a big talk with them about conversational equity and stating a need for more reciprocity. Alternatively, you could set an internal boundary and honor your own need for relationship balance by choosing not to build a friendship with someone who doesn’t prioritize equity.
Internal Boundaries in Action
Our internal boundaries can include promises to ourselves such as:
I will only spend an hour at this social gathering.
I will not participate in conversations about body weight because they trigger me.
I will not take on any new commitments when I’m already overbooked.
I will not make plans with friends when I’m tired or needing rest.
Many of us trespass our own internal boundaries by over-committing or over-giving. If we spend two hours at a social gathering when we promised ourselves we’d only spend one, for example, we are ignoring our own needs and limitations. (Even if someone asked us to stay longer, they didn’t violate our boundaries by asking; we violated our own boundaries by agreeing.)
Ironically, many of us become resentful at others when, in fact, we’re the ones who have trespassed our own internal boundaries. For example: Jill asks Becca to join the PTA. Becca is already over-booked, but she says yes because she feels guilty saying no. Then, later that day, Becca blames Jill for “taking advantage” of her kindness—when in fact, Becca violated her own internal boundaries by agreeing to the new commitment.
Generally, we need stronger internal boundaries when we chronically overextend ourselves and feel resentful toward others as a result. You might benefit from firming up your own internal boundaries if you:
Accept new commitments when you’re already burnt out
Hold more space for others’ emotions than you’re comfortable holding—or take personal responsibility for others’ emotions
Have conversations about topics you’re not comfortable with
Agree to things you don’t actually want to do (second dates, engagements with friends, volunteer commitments, physical intimacy, etc.)
Internal boundaries can help us manage challenging relationship dynamics.
Internal boundaries are especially useful when you struggle with a person’s behavior, but that behavior is fundamental to who they are—and you still want to maintain a relationship with them. By honoring our own needs in moments of conflict or schism, we protect our own well-being without requiring that the other party change.
For example: You and your parent have opposing political beliefs, but you still want to maintain a close relationship with them. You struggle when they discuss their political ideologies because you find their perspectives offensive.
You respect that it’s their right to talk about topics that are important to them—but that doesn’t mean you need to make yourself available to listen. You might exercise your internal boundaries in this situation by changing the topic when they bring up politics, leaving the room when such conversations arise, or taking space when you need it.
When To Use Which?
I recommend using external boundaries if:
You want to change an existing pattern in an established relationship with a family member, friend, or colleague
The other person is engaging in a specific behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe
You want practice communicating your needs directly
I recommend using internal boundaries if:
The source of your frustration or resentment is your own tendency to over-commit, over-give, or self-sacrifice
You find yourself feeling overwhelmed from taking responsibility for others’ emotions
You do not have the capacity to engage in an extensive boundaries conversation, but you still need to ensure that your needs are met
The truth is, we can save ourselves an incredible amount of time, energy, and difficult conversations by getting better at honoring our own internal boundaries first.
We can begin by sitting down with a notebook and pen and brainstorming our own internal boundaries. Some simple examples include:
I will not participate in chronically imbalanced relationships.
I will not be the middle person between two family members or friends.
I do not accept new commitments when my schedule is full.
I don’t make plans with friends when I’m exhausted and needing rest.
P.S.: Emotional Boundaries are Internal Boundaries
Having emotional boundaries means we don’t take responsibility for solving others’ emotions. (We can still have compassion for others’ emotions, of course—we just don’t take on the responsibility of fixing them.)
Emotional boundaries are a specific subtype of internal boundaries that enable us to feel our own emotions (many of us for the first time ever!) and privilege our own emotional reality. They can be among the most difficult—and rewarding—to identify and set.
