These three communication differences will totally change the way you see your conversations with friends and family.
As a coach who helps recovering people-pleasers master the art of self-advocacy, I've learned that differences in communication style can lead to some of our deepest wounds and feelings of invisibility in our relationships.
That’s why my reel about the three communication differences—Volunteer vs. Invite-Only, Asker vs. Guesser, and Builder vs. Maintainer—recently went viral on social media. Understanding these differences has helped millions of people better understand how they and their loved ones communicate—and heal incorrect assumptions that had hurt their relationships for years.
In this article, I’m doing a COMPLETE deep-dive into the three communication differences. I’ll break them down, explain the pros and cons of each, show how they lead to hidden resentments, and offer a guide for how to communicate about them with loved ones who don’t share your style.
This is one you'll want to forward to your friends and family. Here we go!
Breaking Down the Three Communication Differences
Difference 1: Volunteers vs. Invite-Onlies
Volunteers share information about themselves without having to be asked first. They feel comfortable initiating conversations about their own experiences. Volunteers may feel that asking personal questions is “invasive” or “prying,” so they trust that others will volunteer information about themselves when they’re ready to.
Invite-Onlies only feel comfortable sharing about themselves if they’ve been asked a question first. They ask others questions to convey that they care about their experiences. Invite-Onlies may feel that initiating a conversation about themselves is “self-centered” or “imposing on the other,” so they trust that if others want to hear about their lives, they’ll ask.
The Benefits of Each:
Volunteers benefit conversations by adding new information, driving discussions forward, and inviting connection by being “open books.” Because they trust that others will share when they’re ready to, they usually don’t ask questions that other people might experience as invasive.
Invite-Onlies benefit conversations by being curious, asking questions that help others feel seen, and being good listeners. Because they trust that others will ask if they care to hear from them, they don’t volunteer information about themselves at length in ways that other people may experience as a monologue.
How Each Sees the Other:
Volunteers may find Invite-Onlies guarded, boring, or lacking in vulnerability. Because Volunteers expect that people will share freely about themselves if they want to, they may interpret Invite-Onlies’ lack of sharing as an attempt to keep them at arm’s length. Volunteers may feel that asking others questions is a form of unnecessary emotional labor that could be avoided if only Invite-Onlies shared freely.
Invite-Onlies may find Volunteers self-centered and uncurious. Because Invite-Onlies believe that showing curiosity is a method of showing care, they may interpret Volunteers’ lack of questions as disinterest in their experience. Invite-Onlies may feel like sharing (without first knowing that the other person wants to hear) is intimidating, a feeling that could be avoided if only Volunteers asked questions.
Difference 2: Askers vs. Guessers
This communication difference was coined by Andrea Donderi.
Askers comfortably make requests of others, knowing full well that the answer might be no—and they’re okay with that. So, if an Asker asks if they can sleep on your couch for a week, they fully expect that you might say no; no hard feelings either way. Askers expect that others will make requests freely, too, and they feel comfortable saying no when something doesn’t work for them.
Guessers only ask for things if they’re pretty sure the answer will be yes—and they assume that when others ask them for things, they’re expecting a yes, too. If a Guesser asks if they can sleep on your couch for a week, they’ve given it a lot of thought, and have only asked because they believed that you’d likely say yes. Meanwhile, if you ask a Guesser to sleep on their couch for a week, they’re going to feel pressured to say yes, because they think you’re expecting one. (At times, guessing and people-pleasing look a lot alike!)
The Benefits of Each:
Askers benefit conversations by offering clear and forthright communication. People don’t have to guess how Askers feel or attempt to read their minds; they can trust that if an Asker wants something, they’ll ask for it. Askers’ openness can help establish a culture of direct communication in a relationship.
Guessers benefit conversations by being highly attuned to others’ feelings and limits. People can trust that Guessers will be sensitive to their needs, and can trust that Guessers won’t burden them by asking for something that is difficult to offer. Guessers’ attunement can help establish a culture of consideration in a relationship—though, if Guessers aren’t careful, their lack of direct communication may lead to hidden resentments.
How Each Sees the Other:
Askers may find Guessers passive aggressive and wish that Guessers would simply ask for what they want, when they want it. They wish that Guessers understood that when Askers ask for something, they aren’t expecting a yes; they don’t intend their requests to be experienced as demands. Askers may resent the idea that they’re expected to do the emotional labor of censoring their requests instead of Guessers doing their own emotional labor of asserting clear boundaries.
Guessers may find Askers presumptive and wish that Askers were more sensitive to their needs and limits. Guessers often resent that they’re often put in the uncomfortable position of frequently having to saying no. They wish Askers understood that requests can be uncomfortable to reject, and wish that Askers put more effort into intuiting their limits the same way that Guessers intuit others’ limits.
Guessers often benefit from becoming more comfortable establishing boundaries and trusting others to do the same. If you’re a Guesser, check out Boundaries 101 for the Recovering People-Pleaser, my entry-level workshop that offers a comprehensive overview of boundaries and teaches you the most important tools you need to set them with family members, partners, friends, and more. Watch it here.
Difference 3: Maintainers vs. Builders
When someone shares something, a Builder will add on something of their own, like a personal experience or related story (e.g., “What you’re saying about your boss reminds me of something similar I experienced with my boss…”). Builders often show connection and resonance by sharing something personal as opposed to offering commentary on others’ experience.
When someone shares something, a Maintainer will affirm what’s been said or ask more specific questions about it (e.g., “Gosh, that experience with your boss sounds so awful! What happened next?"”) Maintainers show connection and resonance by keeping the spotlight of their attention trained on the other person’s experience.
The Benefits of Each:
Builders benefit conversations by keeping the dialogue moving and injecting new information. Conversations with Builders can feel fast-paced, interesting, and playfully diverse. Builders’ open sharing about their own experiences may give others a sense of permission to share openly, too.
Maintainers benefit conversations by creating the space to focus on one person’s experience without the sharer feeling rushed or interrupted. Conversations with Maintainers can feel calm, focused, and attentive. Maintainers’ presence and focus may give others a sense of permission to dive deep into their feelings in a way that feels therapeutic.
How Each Sees the Other:
Builders may feel bored by Maintainers and wish they would inject more personality into the conversation. They may experience Maintainers as guarded or sterile in their communication. Builders may grow tired of the emotional labor of always being the one to have to "add in” new information. Sometimes, Builders may feel self-conscious that they inadvertently dominated a conversation because the Maintainer didn’t add anything of their own.
Maintainers may feel like Builders are self-centered. They might resent that Builders dominate conversations by repeatedly pivoting the focus to their own stories and experiences. Often, Maintainers wish that Builders demonstrated more presence and attentiveness by allowing the conversation to linger on the topic the Maintainer initially shared.
👋 like what you’re reading? Subscribe to my monthly newsletter for thought-provoking articles about healthy communication, assertiveness, and breaking the people-pleasing pattern 👇
Quick question: Where do these styles come from?
The Volunteer/Invite-Only and Builder/Maintainer styles are terms I gave to differences I’d observed in interactions with friends and family. Andrea Donderi coined the Asker/Guesser style.
Many factors can contribute to a person’s communication style: their culture; their family upbringing; their sensitivities; their anxieties; etc. Based on comments on my original Instagram reel, many folks in the neurodivergent community particularly resonate with the Volunteer and Builder styles.
When Styles Collide: Why It’s Important to Communicate About Your Communication Style
Each of the six styles has clear pros and cons. None are “right” or “wrong”—but when two people conflicting styles come together, they often misinterpret the other’s behavior negatively.
For example: I’m an Invite-Only, and I spent years silently thinking two of my Volunteer friends were self-centered. I’d ask them a ton of questions about their lives in an attempt to demonstrate my care, and I was hurt and angry when they spoke at length about themselves without ever volleying questions back.
Over time, I came to believe that they didn’t really care about me. As a result, I was very close to ending the friendships—but, as a recovering people-pleaser who was making more of an effort to speak up about my needs, I decided to talk with them about my hurt to see if we could find a solution.
So I gathered my courage and sat down two of my Volunteer friends separately.
I said: “Can I share something vulnerable with you? Lately I’ve been feeling hurt because our conversations feel imbalanced. You seem to talk a lot about your experience, but you don’t ask me anything about mine. It makes me feel like you don’t care to hear what I have to say. Can we talk about how to find more balance?”
To my surprise, both friends were shocked and horrified. They’d had an entirely different interpretation of the situation:
“Hailey,” they said, “I’ve been feeling like our conversations were imbalanced too—but I assumed you didn’t want to be close to me because you never volunteered anything about yourself. You seemed so guarded all the time.”
Needless to say, I was 🤯🤯🤯🤯
Both of us were telling ourselves a story about what the other person’s communication style meant—and our stories were wrong!
We did care about each other. We were just showing that care differently: them by being open, me by asking questions.
This is why it’s so important to have the language for these differences, and to discuss them openly with our loved ones before our festering resentments reach the point of no return.
Eventually, we troubleshooted a solution: I would try to volunteer more information about myself so they knew I wanted to open up to them—and they would try to ask me more questions so I knew they wanted to hear what I had to say.
It’s been five years since this happened. Even now, I’m still someone who needs the people close to me to demonstrate care by asking questions. I often say that curiosity is my love language.
The difference is, now I don’t assume that others show care the way I show care. I don’t assume that others will automatically know my communication needs without being told. And I don’t tell myself a “story” about what their communication style means until we’ve talked about it explicitly.
How to communicate about your differences.
Like I said: No style is “right” or “wrong,” but mismatches in style can create painful misunderstandings.
This is why I believe that everyone would benefit from talking about their communication styles with their friends, family members, partners, and even colleagues.
Though your loved ones probably have a style that feels more natural, they might be open to adjusting their style to better meet you in your needs, and vice versa.
Now: as a coach who helps folks stop people-pleasing, I know that initiating conversations like this can feel hard.
To kick off the conversation, you can forward your loved ones this article (or send them this Instagram reel/this Facebook reel) and ask them their three styles.
If communication differences are currently creating hurt in your relationships and you’d like to address it, you can kick off a conversation with one of these scripts:
VOLUNTEER/INVITE ONLY CONVERSATION STARTERS:
If you’re a Volunteer addressing an Invite-Only, you might say: “Hey! Lately I’ve been feeling like our conversations are imbalanced. I feel sad when I open up about myself, but you don’t do the same. Can we talk about how I can help you feel more comfortable to share?”
If you’re an Invite-Only addressing a Volunteer, you might say: “Hey! Lately I’ve been feeling like our conversations are imbalanced. I feel hurt when you share about yourself but don’t really ask about me. Can we talk about how to find more balance?”
ASker/guesser CONVERSATION STARTERS:
If you’re an Asker addressing a Guesser, you might say: “Hey! Can I share something vulnerable with you? I’ve noticed that I often feel in-the-dark about what you need, and I’d love to be able to trust that you’ll tell me your needs and limits. Can we talk about how to have more open communication?”
If you’re a Guesser addressing an Asker, you might say: “Hey! Can I share something vulnerable with you? Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how often you ask things of me. Can we talk a bit about our needs and expectations?”
BUILDER/MAINTAINER CONVERSATION STARTERS:
If you’re a Builder addressing a Maintainer, you might say: “Hey! Can I share something vulnerable with you? Sometimes when we talk, I feel disconnected, because I share a lot about my experience but you don’t open up much about yours. Can we talk about how to create more balance together?”
If you’re a Maintainer addressing a Builder, you might say: “Hey! Can I share something vulnerable with you? Lately I’ve been feeling hurt, because when I share something, you pivot the conversation to something you’ve experienced. It makes me feel like I’m fighting for airtime in our conversations. Can we talk about how to create more balance together?”
Of course, it’s always possible that people won’t receive our needs well. It’s possible that when we communicate, we’ll discover that our original assumptions were, in fact, true: the other person IS self-centered, guarded, passive aggressive, or uninterested in what we have to share.
But ultimately, it’s better to know that for sure instead of operating based on an assumption that may or may not be true. It’s better to be open and give others the chance to meet us where we need to be met.