This is the difference between kindness and people-pleasing.
Many of the people-pleasers I’ve worked with are some of the most warm, caring, and empathetic souls I know—
which makes it difficult to discern whether their generosity come from a place of self-sacrificial people-pleasing or altruistic kindness.
When they prioritize a struggling family member's need for company over their own need for rest and solitude—are they being kind, or people-pleasing?
When they miss out on sleep to drive a friend to the airport at the crack of dawn—are they abandoning themselves, or simply prioritizing others out of love?
In this article, I’ll break down the key differences between people-pleasing and kindness and share a simple tool you can use to figure out what's driving your generosity.
At the heart of it, the difference between kindness and people-pleasing lies in motivation. People-pleasing is driven by fear—while kindness is driven by genuine desire.
People-pleasing is a fear-motivated strategy to ensure safety and connection.
Like I write in STOP People-Pleasing and Find Your Power, people-pleasing is the act of prioritizing what we think others want, need, and feel at the expense of—and to the detriment of—what we want, need, and feel.
In the psych literature, people-pleasing is referred to as pathological altruism: “the willingness of a person to irrationally place another’s perceived needs above his or her own in a way that causes self-harm” (Bachner-Melman & Oakley, 2016).
Pathological altruists often neglect themselves in pursuit of others’ well-being, and researchers have found that their actions are motivated by the desire to gain others’ approval and avoid rejection.
Somewhere along the way—for many of us, in childhood—we learned that people-pleasing would help us stay safe and connected in the presence of neglectful, distant, preoccupied, or abusive caregivers:
Physically safe: “I’m free from physical harm or violence.”
Socially safe: “I belong” or “People approve of me.”
Emotionally safe: “I am loved” or “I matter.”
Materially safe: “My basic needs are met.”
Often, people-pleasing continues to be our default way of interacting with others long after we’ve left situations where our physical or emotional safety were at stake. It becomes our habitual way of relating to relatives, friends, colleagues, and even strangers.
That said, at its core, people-pleasing isn’t about desire, service, or care for others; it’s about avoiding negative outcomes for ourselves. Ultimately, people-pleasing behaviors are motivated by:
Fear: I’m doing this because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t.
Transaction: I’m giving you this so you will give me something back.
Obligation: I’m doing this because if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty.
Loss-aversion: I’m doing this because if I don’t, I fear I’ll lose you.
For many, people-pleasing is based upon an unspoken agreement that we, ourselves, may not even be fully aware of: “I will over-give and trespass my own boundaries for you, and in return, you will make me feel secure, loved, wanted, and needed.”
Kindness is motivated by instrinsic desire.
Kindness, on the other hand, is intrinsically motivated; it’s rooted in desire and choice.
When we give from a place of kindness, it’s because we can say yes or no, and choose, from a place of free will and desire, to say yes. We have no hidden agenga; we aren’t expecting anything in return. Kindness is rooted in:
Desire: I sincerely want to give this to you.
Choice: I don’t have to do this; I want to do this.
Psychologists refer to kindness as healthy altruism: “experiencing sustained and relatively conflict-free pleasure from contributing to the welfare of others” (Selig & Rosof, 2001).
Healthy altruists meet their own needs while taking steps to enhance others’ lives; they don’t unduly sacrifice their own well-being in the process.
When we’re kind, our generosity isn’t motived by the possibility of getting something in return, but by the internal satisfaction that comes from acting in accordance with our values.
Still not sure whether you’re being kind or people-pleasing? Here’s the simplest way to tell the difference.
The easiest way to discern whether you’re being kind or people-pleasing is to notice whether your inside feelings match your outside actions.
When you’re genuinely being kind, your insides match your outsides. You appear smiling, happy, and generous because you want to be doing what you’re doing—not for safety or some distant reward, but for the experience of doing it now.
When you’re people-pleasing, your insides and outsides don’t match. Outside, you appear smiling, happy, and generous, but inside you feel resentful, overwhelmed, angry, numb, or shutdown.
After giving, people-pleasers often feel exhausted, frustrated, and resentful. When others don’t respond to our giving as we wish they would, we might even demonize them as “rude,” “self-centered,” or “taking advantage of us.” As a result, people-pleasing often leaves us feeling more disconnected from the very people we’re trying to “help.”
After giving from a place of sincere kindness, on the other hand, we may be tired or spent, but alongside our fatigue is typically a feeling of happiness, goodwill, and connection.
If you notice that when you’re giving, your insides chronically don’t match your outsides, it’s time to set some limits around how much you’re giving and to whom.
Boundaries are the key to shifting from people-pleasing to kindness.
Until we can comfortably set limits around how much we give, we can’t claim to give out of kindness. Our “yes” doesn’t mean anything until we can freely say “no.”
If you struggle with people-pleasing and you want to break the pattern of over-giving, check out my on-demand workshop, Boundaries 101 for the Recovering People-Pleaser: my entry-level, interactive session that teaches you all of the boundary essentials—and gives you the most important tools for setting boundaries with confidence.
In this session, you'll learn:
👉 How will I know when it's time for me to set a boundary?
👉 What's the difference between boundaries and requests—and when should I use which?
👉 How can I state my boundaries both firmly and kindly?
👉 How do I enforce my boundaries when people push back or dismiss them?
👉 What are tools I can use to move past guilt and fear so I can set boundaries with confidence?
Combining a 2-hour video workshop, a printable slide deck, and pre-recorded discussion questions and Q&A, Boundaries 101 will leave you with concrete plan to start setting the boundaries you need to be protected and respected. Get it today and watch at your leisure here.
Article Citations:
Rachel Bachner-Melman and Barbara Oakley, “Giving ‘Till It Hurts’: Eating Disorders and Pathological Altruism,” in Bio-Psycho-Social Contributions to Understanding Eating Disor- ders, eds. Yael Latzer and Daniel Stein (New York: Springer, 2016), 91–103.
Beth J. Seelig and Lisa S. Rosof, “Normal and Pathological Altruism,” Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Associa- tion 49, no. 3 (September 1, 2001): 933–59.