Here’s why trying to “reason your way” out of boundary guilt isn’t working—and here’s what to do instead.
Telling a people-pleaser they “shouldn’t feel guilty” about setting a boundary is like telling someone they “shouldn’t feel anxious” when they’re anxious.
It doesn’t actually help.
Many people-pleasers intellectually believe that it’s okay to put their needs first, but emotionally, the thought of setting a boundary fills them with the heavy sludge of guilt—and no amount of logic, reason, or "you deserve better!" seems to make a dent in it.
In this article, I’ll explain the scientific reasoning behind why your guilt may be resistant to reason, logic, and positive thinking—and share what actually helps instead. (Hint: It has to do with your nervous system!)
It’s Not Really About Guilt. It’s About Safety.
People-pleasing is one of the most misunderstood words of the 21st century. It’s a misnomer. People-pleasing isn’t really about pleasing people; it’s about staying safe.
In childhood, many of us experienced physical violence, angry outbursts, ostracization, or emotional neglect from our caregivers or other close relations—all of which, for children who are dependent upon those around them for survival, can feel literally life-threatening.
As a result, we learned that suppressing our needs, never saying no, and avoiding confrontation would help us stay:
Physically safe: “They won’t hurt me”
Emotionally safe: “I am loved” or “I matter”
Materially safe: “My basic needs are met”
or socially safe: “I belong” or “People approve of me”
Historically, people-pleasing was a coping mechanism that kept us protected from harm.
Now, part of us—our nervous system—still believes we need to people-please in order to stay safe—and speaking up, asserting boundaries, and saying no all feel like cues of impending danger.
Your Nervous System Remembers
When we’re afraid to stand up for ourselves, our conscious minds say: “I’m afraid to set a boundary because I don’t want to hurt their feelings” or “I feel guilty about disappointing them.”
This reasoning may be completely true—and, usually, it masks an even deeper fear at play, one we’re not consciously aware of.
Our nervous system remembers the dangers of speaking up in the past, and so it interprets our present situation as dangerous.
Even if we’re not consciously experiencing a sense of unsafety, our nervous system is, and it’s that sense of danger that requires our attention and soothing.
Ultimately, it’s not really about guilt. Guilt is just the story our conscious mind makes up to explain the felt sense of danger we have inside.
This is why trying to “logic our way” out of that feeling—by, say, making a list of all the reasons why the boundary will be good for the relationship, or giving yourself a pep talk that self-advocacy is important—doesn’t usually help.
We need to address the deeper problem: the deeper, unconscious sense of danger.
Working directly with that fear—and the nervous system states that underlie it—is how you can actually find relief.
Moving From Danger to Safety
It can be enormously healing to recognize what’s actually going on inside of us, from a nervous system perspective, when we’re afraid of standing up for ourselves. Doing so helps us develop greater self-compassion and gives us different, more effective tools to cope.
“Wow, no wonder I feel afraid to speak up. Part of me really believes that I’m in danger right now!”
Our autonomic nervous system—the same system that controls our unconscious bodily functions like breathing and digestion—is constantly scanning for cues of safety and danger.
(This process of scanning, called “neuroception,” happens outside of our conscious awareness, the same way that our breathing happens outside of our conscious awareness.)
Our autonomic nervous system is really smart: it remembers patterns. If, in the past, disagreements, moments of conflict, or mismatches in needs led to danger, it will remember those cues and trigger a danger response now.
When our nervous system perceives danger, we shift into one of two states: fight/flight (the parasympathetic nervous system) or freeze (the dorsal vagal system).
In fight/flight, we feel agitated, hyper-active, hyper-vigilant, and restless. We may feel anxious, panicked, stressed, or angry. Our hearts race; our breath is shallow.
In freeze, we feel shut down. We’re totally depleted of energy; maybe even numb. It feels impossible to truly connect.
(Fawning is widely understood to be a mixture of both: external activation mixed with internal shutdown and dissociation.)
Many of us have had these responses many times without even being aware of them. Personally, before I set a hard boundary, I tend to go into fight/flight. I’m ruminating, anxious, and stressed, and my heart speeds like a racehorse.
Now, I understand—and respect—that when I feel this way, it’s because my nervous system believes I’m in danger. Once we recognize that we’re in an activated state, our task is to:
👉 First, acknowledge that part of us feels endangered, even if it’s not a part we’re consciously aware of.
👉 Second, recognize that this part of us kept us safe in the past.
👉 And third, take specific, tangible steps to cue our nervous system that we are actually safe—steps that involve self-compassion practices, Polyvagal somatic exercises, and more.
These are the steps that actually reduce our feelings of fear and enable us to proceed in a grounded, confident, and calm way.
I will be teaching these specific steps—and helping you customize them based on your unique nervous system profile—in my on-demand workshop The Self-Soothing Survival Guide for Courageous Self-Advocacy.
Fascinatingly, research shows that when we’re dysregulated—when we’re in fight/flight or freeze—we literally see the world differently. We’re less trusting; more closed off; less capable of handling difficult emotions; and unable to sense possibilities. We’re even more likely to interpret others’ neutral facial expressions as negative!
Meanwhile, when we return to a safe, regulated state—the ventral vagal state in Polyvagal parlance—we’re better able to soothe through hard emotions like guilt; better able to assess multiple possibilities and select the best path forward; and better able to feel calm and grounded inside despite external difficulties.
Discomfort Is Inevitable; It’s How You Approach It That Matters.
When we begin standing up for ourselves after a lifetime of people-pleasing, difficult emotions are inevitable. Trying to find a “perfectly painless” solution—one in which we feel no discomfort—will keep us stuck indefinitely.
Instead, we can build a new relationship to these feelings: one grounded in presence, compassion, and the felt sense of safety instead of avoidance and fear.
Learn how in my on-demand workshop, The Self-Soothing Survival Guide for Courageous Self-Advocacy.
In this hands-on, 2-hour workshop, you will practice a repertoire of strategies for reframing, practicing self-compassion toward, and regulating your nervous system through the difficult emotions that arise when standing up for yourself.
You will leave with a customized toolkit that you can use to combat guilt, shame, and fear so you can self-advocate with confidence.
This workshop draws from research on Polyvagal Theory, self-compassion practices, somatic self-soothing, and more. Together, we will explore:
Part One: Identify Your Habits
When we feel guilt, fear, or self-doubt before or after setting a boundary, we may second-guess ourselves; redact our boundaries; or try to outrun our feelings in a flurry of distraction. By identifying our habitual reactions to emotional discomfort, we create the opportunity to choose a new response.
Part Two: Decrease Hard Emotions with Reframes
Sometimes, our difficult emotions result from distortions in thinking; overlooking possible positive outcomes; or over-focusing on short-term discomfort while under-focusing on long-term freedom. In this section, we'll explore a variety of exercises that help you broaden your frame of mind to reduce discomfort.
Part Three: Soothe Hard Emotions with Self-Compassion
Sometimes, our difficult emotions can’t be “solved” with reframes; we simply need to allow them as best we can. In this section, we’ll explore how self-compassion practices can help you can become your own safe haven, creating the ground you need to make the choices that are right for you.
Part Four: Find Inner Safety with Nervous System Regulation
Sometimes, we struggle to self-advocate because our nervous system perceives that we're in danger, even if we're not. Oftentimes, this perception is due to difficult experiences we had in the past. You'll learn how to identify when your nervous system has become dysregulated and use a selection of tools to come home to safety, connection, and inner calm.
Article Citations:
The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation by Stephen Porges
Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-Centered Practices by Deb Dana